Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Who died my cat blue again?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
