Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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