I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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