I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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