Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
