Non-Jews are for practice
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
