So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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