so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
