I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
