just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
