dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
