she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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