true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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