Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
