she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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