I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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