the condom got lost in my hair
I cut my penus on the lid.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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