Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
