I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
