I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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