I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
handjob tips. give me some.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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