So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
