Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
