So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
