True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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