God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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