My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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