The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
