I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
