Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
