Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
