I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
