dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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