I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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