FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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