He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
