I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
