When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
