masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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