my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
