Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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