I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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