I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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