Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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