i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
