He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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