the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
