I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
