zippers are such a cool invention
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
