I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
